Compilation 3
Compilation 3
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The manager of a large corporation had a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go to a farm in the country to relax for several weeks . The manager agrees finds a nice farm with a nice room over the barn and installs himself in it bed facing the window with a view of rolling pastures. After a couple of days the manager becomes very bored, so he asks the farmer to give him something, any job to do. The farmer tells him to clear a huge area covered in the shit from his cows. The farmer thinks that to somebody coming from the city, working their whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finishes the job in less than a day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer's sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The third morning, as now, most of the jobs in the farm had been completed, the farmer asks the manager to divide a bag of potatoes into two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer finds that the manager was sitting with his head in his hands in front of the bag of full of potatoes, both boxes empty. The farmer asks the manager: "How is that you did such difficult jobs so easily in your first few days but now you can't even start this simple job?" The manager looks up and answers in a distraught voice, "Listen, all my life I've been cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now, now you ask me to make decisions." |
LibraryImages/Humour/dogp1.jpg |
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 Mega Management! 
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise!" This he does, and although performance remains poor he is praised by his superiors for taking decisive action. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes". |
PERSONALITY TEST
DO NOT SCROLL DOWN
THE PAGE TO SEE WHAT'S COMING BECAUSE IF YOU DO IT WON'T WORK
Get a blank bit of paper, and draw a picture of a pig on it, just a basic drawing, don't spend all day on it. = = = DRAW THE PIG FIRST = = = = YOU MUST NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE. NO CHEATING, = = = = = = = = = = HAVE YOU DONE THE DRAWING ?? = = = IF NOT GO BACK AND DO IT NOW = = = = = = = = = OK now to the interesting stuff = The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer. = If the pig is drawn: = Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic. = Toward the middle, you are a realist.
Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively. = Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc..) = Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates. = Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions. = With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful. = = With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker. = With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change. = With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals. = The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. = = The bigger the better. =
The length of the tail indicates the quality of your home life. (And again more is better!) = = = OK, who didn't draw a tail? = = = = =
GUESS WHO?
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!
A family are having a house built for them. The project is nearing the end and the one of the parents is discussing final issues and snags with the contractor.
Parent: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?" Parent: "Uh, yeah....the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated." Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date." Parent: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker." Parent: "Stacker?" Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch....the chairs on the table....etc.. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture, you can unstuck what you need and then put it back when you're done." Parent: "Uh......I dunno.....Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs." Parent: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?" Contractor: "That's easy! Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." Parent: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. It's the only way." Parent: "<sigh> Well....I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work." Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.." Parent: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, and turn off the water at the street. Turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work." Parent: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey. If you don't like it, nobody made you buy it." Parent: "And when will this be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays......"
| Prison vs. Work |
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have bad managers. I |
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire
week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.
"Since my last report,
this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig."
"His people would follow
him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"He sets low personal
standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This associate is really
not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely-won't-be."
"Works well when under
constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her
mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his
depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This person has
delusions of adequacy."
A SENSE OF MISSION
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
SLOBODAN MILOSIVEK. I told it to go as it was of different ethnicity to Serbian chickens
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ACCENTURE: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergise with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
GEORGE BUSH: There will be NO NEW chickens crossing roads. Read my lips NO NEW chickens.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
PROJECT MANAGERS - MENTAL ATTITUDE IS
EVERYTHING!!! LibraryImages/angel.gif
all_change.htm 
If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- tough project manager (eats glass, cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you.
- dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
- messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all!
- suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
- thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you I'll get in your way.
- project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
- weak, uninspired, lacklustre project manager
If I kill me, you'll get your way.
- pragmatic project manager
If we get in each others' way, who will get killed?
- An utterly confused manager
Kill me, it's the only way.
- every project manager to date.
Courtesy Tim Cramp
ENTREPRENEURISM
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business people. Here's a mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power..
Postulate 2: Time is Money..
As every engineer knows,
Work
------- = Power
TimeSince Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work
------- = Knowledge
Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
--------- = Money
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.. Conclusion:
The Less you Know, the More Money you Make.
Courtesy Tim Cramp
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Copyright Pentacle 2003 Eddie Obeng
1994 All rights reserved
